“I know, I’ve had a busy week,” I reply, and then look up into those amazing blue grey eyes.
“But you are here now,” he breathes, with the ghost of a smile.
“I am.” I say, and look around in search of Nicky.
“Are you here because you wish to see me, or merely because you are with your friends?”
I hesitate, and then answer truthfully, “Both.” He’s so close that we’re one step away from an embrace, and I don’t know how he always manages to get so near to me without my consent.
“I would hope that the former outweighs the latter.”
“I don’t know.” I tell him.
Now he takes my hand into his and rubs the inside of my wrist with his thumb, it makes me want to melt. Unconsciously I lean nearer to him, getting washed away by his touch. Such a small gesture, but it transports me into a moment where it’s just the two of us sharing something extremely intimate. He looks me over with so much more close attention than any other man has ever given me before.
“I have to go,” he purrs, with a look that tells me he knows exactly how he’s affecting me. “I must attend to some business, but I would like to see you later.”
“I’ll be around,” I reply, my heart speeding up.
“I enjoy your enthusiasm.” Is he being sarcastic? I can’t tell.
My cheeks redden when I say, “Am I that transparent?”
“I wouldn’t say that,” he whispers in my ear, his lips gently brushing my skin. “I will come for you later. Please do enjoy your night with your friends.”
“Thanks,” I say, unable to disguise my smile as he leaves.
He stops for a moment. “I love that dress on you by the way.”
I gulp. “Thanks – again.”
“See you later,” he says and then practically disappears into the crowd, his words sounding like a promise.
When I take a peek back at the bar I see that Judy had been watching the entire exchange. I feel like running home and hiding away for a month when she smiles and waves, but then transforms her wave into flipping me off and her smile into a scowl. I look away and stare at my bottle as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.
While Nicky and the others go to the bar I have a look at the VIP section. Delilah’s there wearing a long lime green dress, she seems to be schmoozing with several men in designer suits. I wonder what exactly it is she does here. I mean, she seems to work here, but I just can’t tell at what. It looks as though she’s carrying out some kind of business deal, and it unsettles me because I can’t imagine any kind of business being done in the VIP section of a night club other than something to do with drugs or criminality.
With my attention on Delilah I fail to realise that the girls Dillon and Amanda had skipped in the queue outside are making their way toward me with revenge in their eyes. They put their drinks down on the table I’m standing at, crowding it so as to shove me away. I have no fight in me when it comes to the warfare of night clubbing Goth girls, so I accede defeat and step aside.
I lean against the black metal railing around the steps that lead to the dance floor and make an attempt at finishing my drink. I look to the VIP section again to see if Delilah’s business dealings have progressed. This time Ethan is standing beside her, but he’s not looking at any of the people around him, he’s looking directly at me and he seems angered. He must have seen those girls bully me out of the table, he raises his brow as if to ask why I allowed them to do it, but I just shrug and turn away from him.
My bullies are the usual kind of girls you’d find in a place like this, faces full of metal, huge hair of a variety of colours, stylish tattoos and stylish clothes. The sad thing is that I used to be one of them. The even sadder thing is that I’m not better now, I’m worse. I feel like the ghost of the girl I once was. Empty.
It’s not like I’ve outgrown the Goth thing, it’s more like I’m still Goth but without any kind of conviction or belief in what I am. I have no zest for life, or to be different, and the only reason I look half decent is because Nicky chooses all of my clothes for me and does my hair and make-up.
I used to love to read, but now all I do when I’m at home is sit and stare dead eyed at the television. Even at the new job I’ve started, before I would have been excited by the fact that Marcel and Gabriel believe I have some magic about me, even though I don’t believe in it, before I would have revelled in the attention. But now I just want them to quit their fascination and get on with their lives.
The funny thing is that Ethan’s advances are the only exception to the deadness I feel inside. When he looks at me I feel like a hundred light bulbs have been switched on in my body, like a thousand butterflies are fluttering about in my chest. It puzzles me. How can I be numb to all stimulants other than him? Is it a warning of danger, or a sign that I should be with him?
Nicky brings me a shot and I knock it back before finishing off my Bacardi. I may not have much determination these days, but I have tonight and that’s to get drunk. It’s the only way to stop my constant introspection. My questioning of why it is I feel the way that I feel. Maybe it’s because the man you loved killed himself not three months ago, says a tiny voice in my head.
I join Amanda on the dance floor and Nicky and Dillon follow. Amanda has short electric blue hair and a septum piercing, she’s the one I mentioned is into the vampire thing. I still plan on introducing her to Lucas. Perhaps they’ll bond over their unusual shared interest. Dillon puts his arm around me as we dance to Adam and the Ant’s “Stand and Deliver”.
When I spot Lucas standing at the steps that lead to the dance floor I take the opportunity to ask if he’d be interested in meeting Amanda. I tell Nicky I’ll be back in a minute and pull my way out of the crowded dance floor. When I approach Lucas he grins in that usual predatory fashion.
“Hi,” I say nervously.
“Hello, what can I do for you Tegan?” He’s still wearing the ear piece alongside a black shirt and slacks, which probably means he’s in work mode tonight.