“I know,” he replied. “I meant outside of work, just being whoever Ava really is.”
“I’m pretty much me all the time,” I said, a little flattered that it mattered to him. “Nothing really different except maybe not a skirt and heels.”
“I like the sound of that,” he snickered. “Can’t you just come with work, and we’ll make sure you don’t leave the special tented area for us.”
“I’m sure you do like the sound of it.” I shook my head at how easily his mind was led into the gutter. “I would go with you guys, but that isn’t a very big space, and its way too close for comfort.”
We sat there for several minutes, eating our lunches, thinking about the problem at hand. I knew Tanner was trying to come up with a solution, and it was kind of sweet, but it was still completely impossible. I had already racked my brain for days trying to decide what I wanted to do, how I could get around all this, but it wasn’t going to work any way I looked at it. My best course of action was to stay home and deal with it.
“What if—”
“Tanner,” I said, cutting him off. “I have thought of all the different options, and it just seems too dangerous for me to do. If I go with you, someone could recognize me and tell my father they saw me. If I go with him, someone from here could completely blow my cover. It is just too complicated.”
“But I wanted to see you there,” he said still pouting.
“You are impossible.” I laughed.
“I know,” he said. “But at the same time, I understand. You have to do what you have to do, and if not going keeps you working for the company, I can be okay with that. I don’t want you to hurt your father, no matter how much we dislike each other. We were best friends once. I also don’t want to put you in jeopardy of having to choose between him and your job. I know family is important to you and so is your career. I don’t like putting anyone in impossible situations like that.”
He reached out and covered my hand with his, looking into my eyes. As soon as mine latched to his, it was like we were in our own little world, caught up in something neither of us was expecting. We probably would have sat there forever like that, but his cell phone rang, shaking us back to the present. He pulled his hand away quickly and looked down at his call, answering the phone and walking outside. I watched him walk out the door and stand on the sidewalk, talking to whoever was on the other line. It was work related, as always, and though I wanted to get my own mindset back to work, it was nearly impossible. This man had done something to me, and I think, in the back of mind, I was more worried about him getting hurt than I was my father. I knew he wasn’t a commitment kind of guy, but at the same time, he was also acting differently toward me than I had ever seen him act toward the girls he’d brought to our house as kids. He was always distant and course with them, but never with me.
When he returned from his phone call, he sighed and rolled his eyes. He returned to sit and finish his sandwich. I rested my chin on my hands, smiling at his reaction. He was always wanted for something, but I knew he loved that because he had created such an important business that ran with or without him at that point.
“See, work will always be there, and luckily, I work right across the hall,” I said. “You’ll see me every day at work.”
“True,” he said, “but I was hoping to see you outside of work.”
I smiled with no response, watching him finish eating and then take our dishes back to the counter. I gathered my things and threw away any trash that was left before meeting him at the front door. As I passed out to the sidewalk, his hand pressed against the small of my back, sending waves of electricity through my body. I turned and looked around before looking up into his eyes. He smiled, and I leaned forward, slowly and softly kissing his lips. He immediately relaxed into my touch this time, and it felt almost natural and normal.
“What was that for?”
“Lunch,” I said, smiling. “And to hold you over for a while.”
“That will hold me over for...” he looked down at his watch, “whelp, the time has passed. I need more.”
I laughed and slapped him in the chest, turning and walking toward the crosswalk, looking back over my shoulder at him as he pulled his jacket on, chuckling and shaking his head. I turned back, waiting for the signal, the smile fading from my face. What had I gotten myself into? I had started a job against my father’s wishes, and then I had gone and fallen for the boss. I knew from the beginning that he wasn’t the man I needed to have my mind on. In fact, I needed to have my mind on work and not men. There I was, though, standing at the intersection that seemed to represent more than just the walk back to work. It symbolized my struggle of direction, the understanding that one path led in a completely different direction than the other, but most likely, both led to heartbreak. It was too late to get him off my mind. That would be impossible unless I quit, and that wasn’t in the cards.
When in school, everyone made life outside of college seem so perfect and easy. They acted like the hardest part is getting through school, but in reality, once you have the job, work is the least of your worries. Suddenly you had to balance your choices, and there were no instructors or professors there to help you do that. It was almost impossible not to make mistakes. You just hoped your mistakes weren’t so monumental that it affected the rest of your life. I was standing there far beyond making a choic
e and now faced with the consequences of my choices. For once in my life, I was extremely excited to have a Saturday where everyone left me alone. I was going to be able to enjoy the peace and quiet of my own thoughts without any outside influence. No matter how much I wanted Tanner to be there, this was going to be a moment where I really needed to decide what I wanted and whether taking the chance on Tanner was even worth it in the long run. I was pretty sure I already knew that answer, but every time I thought I did, he would do something sweet, or look at me lustfully, and I knew I was in over my head.
Just as that thought crossed my mind, he came up next to me and flashed a charming smile. There I was again, melting into a giant puddle on the sidewalk. This just might be completely hopeless.
Chapter 9: Tanner
I never really was interested in polo at all, and to be honest, the people weren’t much more interesting. But the company had sponsored this, and we wanted to bring some good press in before we started the merger. No matter how good of an idea the merger was, the change was hard for everyone, including the public. The company and the board felt it was proactive to really get the public back behind this business that I had grown from the ground floor. So, we had several sponsored events going on across the country, the first of which was the polo match. I wasn’t sure when I’d started to dislike the event. I used to look forward to it, but now, for some reason, the women in their hats and tight little dresses didn’t hold the appeal they used to, at least not like Ava did.
I tried to push the thought of Ava from my mind, realizing I was thinking about her more than I had anyone else in my life. When I was with her, I was thinking about her. When I wasn’t with her, I was thinking about her, and when I was thinking about her, it was no longer only about sex. I shook my head and ordered a beer from the waiter walking around, needing to distract myself and keep up the look of the company. Even if Ava were here, it wasn’t like I could be alone with her or even act on any of my incredible urges to always be touching her in some way or another. It was increasingly difficult for me to keep my hands off her, and I didn’t mean in a purely sexual way. Like when we walked out of the deli earlier in the week and I pressed my hand against the small of her back, that gentle, natural touch just seemed like the normal thing to do.
I wanted to see more of her, more than I had gotten the entire time I had known her. Yes, she was the same person I was around when she was a kid, but this woman in front of me every day was captivating. No, I hadn’t changed my own personal rules on commitment, but something had to give because I couldn’t seem to keep my mind on anything but her. There was a crazy vibe between us, and we were walking this tightrope together, not knowing what was right and where we stood.
The waiter came back with my beer, and I sat down in a chair next to the field. I watched part of the match, trying to take my mind off things I should have been able to set aside. The breeze was cool that day, and I’d worn a light jacket. I crossed my legs and looked around, seeing Ava’s mother, Lindy, across the yard, talking to a gaggle of snooty women. She was such a bitch, always had been, but Dean loved her, and she loved him but just got seriously caught up in the lifestyle. Dean was smart enough to know he needed a big enough nest egg to keep her happy, and that’s exactly what he had. After we split, I heard he had taken a CFO position for a multinational financial firm and retired just recently from that. He liked to stay busy, but he also liked to have control over his schedule for his family’s sake.
All in all, both of our lives turned out exactly like we wanted them to. I wasn’t sure Dean’s went down the path he’d thought it would when we first started the business. The business world was a tough place then, and it had only gotten tougher as the years passed. With technological changes, constant training needed, and the competition all over the place, it had been a battlefield until I finally got my company above the competition. I knew then, and I would stand by it now, that Dean would have never survived in the world I lived in. It was too centered around constant work and sacrifice in order to make it right. Sometimes, I thought about what my life would have been like if I had thought like Dean, but then again, I wasn’t wired that way, and it wasn’t something I could even picture in my head. Sure, everyone likes the idea of having another person there waiting on them every day, but I didn’t have time for that, especially early in my career.
I let out a deep breath as Lindy turned and walked the other way without seeing me. It was stressful enough having her there, and the last thing I needed was for her to spot me and have one of her fits. I knew if she was there, her husband wasn’t too far away, and an encounter was far from something I was in the mood for. I needed a damn vacation, on an island, where I was not going to run into anyone I knew. I needed a space where I could just relax, take a deep breath and be me. Of course, I knew my brain would never allow it, and after the first few hours, I would be trying to connect to Wi-Fi to check on the company and knock out some work. At that moment, I was just going to have to settle for the cool breeze, the beer in my hand, and the polo match in front of me. In all actuality, it was probably the most I’d relaxed in a really long time. Of course, as soon as I thought that, my phone went off letting me know the executive board was making a speech to all those in attendance.
I stood up, rolling my eyes and stretching. I wanted to sit there and do nothing until they made me go home. When I opened my eyes, they landed directly on Dean, and I quickly put my arms down and tried to avoid him. The last thing I wanted was to have a conversation with this guy. It was too late, though. He had already seen me and was heading in my direction. I thought about bolting like a child, but I figured that would just give him even more ammo, so I smiled as kind as I could and stood there with my hands in my pockets.